150 Funny New Year Resolutions To Make You Laugh (With Images)

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Ah, the start of a new year—a time when gyms are overcrowded, salad sales skyrocket, and self-help books suddenly become bestsellers. We’ve all been there, making ambitious resolutions that usually last as long as the leftover Christmas cookies. But this year, let’s embrace the lighter side of life and set some hilariously realistic resolutions for 2024. Because who needs another year of unattainable goals, right?

Funny New Year Resolutions with Images (Jokes and Memes Included)

Funny Happy New Year Resolutions Meme 2024

Funny New Year Resolutions (2024)

Funny Happy New Year Resolutions For 2024

Funny Happy New Year Resolutions 2024 1

Funny Happy New Year Resolution Meme 2024

Funny Happy New Year Resolution 2024

Funny Happy New Year 2024 Resolution

Funny New Year Resolutions for Adults and Seniors:

This year, I solemnly swear to learn how to fold a fitted sheet, open a jar without seeking help, and figure out what that mysterious drawer in the kitchen is actually for. Bonus points if I manage to adult without Googling every step.

  1. Master the art of remembering where I put my glasses at least once a day.

  2. Perfect the “I’m listening intently while actually taking a power nap” technique.

  3. Achieve a black belt in tech support for my grandchildren.

  4. Learn to text without accidentally sending cryptic messages or emojis.

  5. Break the world record for most hours spent searching for lost TV remotes.

  6. Develop a foolproof strategy for avoiding conversations about the “good old days.”

  7. Master the art of stealthy snack hoarding – because you never know when hunger strikes.

  8. Achieve a perfect score in the senior citizen Olympics: the marathon TV remote hunt.

  9. Learn to dance like nobody’s watching, especially when nobody’s watching.

  10. Perfect the timing of interrupting my own stories with, “What was I saying again?”

  11. Become a sudoku grandmaster while pretending to understand what a sudoku is.

  12. Achieve the perfect “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” reenactment for dramatic effect.

  13. Master the art of attending family gatherings without being asked to fix things.

  14. Develop an uncanny ability to predict the weather based on joint pain.

  15. Achieve expert status in the art of falling asleep during movies without snoring.

  16. Learn to speak fluent “auto-correct” in text messages to grandchildren.

  17. Perfect the skill of disguising my hearing aid as a futuristic Bluetooth device.

  18. Achieve a Ph.D. in telling stories that begin with, “Back in my day…”

  19. Master the art of negotiating early dinner reservations for the senior discount.

  20. Learn to knit scarves with a level of expertise that intimidates even seasoned grandmas.

  21. Perfect the “I’m not sleeping; I’m just resting my eyes” pose during family gatherings.

  22. Achieve a perfect score in the annual “Guess the Grandchild’s Name” game.

  23. Develop a sixth sense for locating missing dentures – a skill worth bragging about.

  24. Master the art of sending voice messages without accidentally sharing top-secret conversations.

  25. Achieve expert-level status in the ancient art of finding the perfect rocking chair position for maximum relaxation.

    Also Check: 200+ Funny New Year 2025 Memes and Jokes

Funny 2024 Happy New Year Resolutions Meme

Funny New Year Resolutions for Students:

  1. I will wear pajamas underneath my clothes to every exam for a confidence boost in 2025.

  2. This is the year I will get really good at dramatic sighs whenever homework is assigned and turn them into a theatrical performance.

  3. I solemnly swear to replace basic vocabulary words in all school papers with fancier synonyms from my Word-A-Day calendar. My essays will sound muy sophisticated.

  4. I will channel my creative side and doodle portraits of my teachers with silly facial expressions or backgrounds when bored in class. Picasso who?

  5. In 2025 I resolve to sprinkle in random, made up words during presentations and continue without explanation. “For optimal outcomes we must strategically facilitate endoplasmic reticulum the deliverables”.

  6. This is the year I will perfect crazy speed reading techniques and loudly announce my spot on the page every few minutes. “Whoa, I’m already on Chapter 4!”

  7. I vow to sneak Snacks into boring classes and loudly crinkle candy wrappers or slurp drinks during every awkward silence. Awkward silence? Never met her. Crunch crunch.

  8. In 2025 whenever someone borrows a pen or paper from me more than twice I will dramatically weep “Take it all!” and throw stationary in their direction.

  9. This is the year I will channel my artistic side and create posters for my friends’ birthdays featuring eccentric mashups of their interests. Hannah Montana meets biochemical engineering? Challenge accepted!

  10. I resolve to end every phone call with my parents when leaving school clubs or practice by yelling “Wait for it…” and immediately sending a perfectly-timed selfie of my exaggerated shocked face covered in paint or food. Click

  11. I solemnly swear to perfect my signature look of disbelief in 2025 by practicing Gasping Olympian expressions in the mirror to deploy when friends share gossip. Gasp No way, Becky did what?!

  12. In 2025 I vow to replace basic responses during conversations with Gen Z viral memes. Person: “Got any fun weekend plans?” Me: “Tell me you’re fun without telling me you’re fun.”

  13. This is the year I will channel my artistic side and leave motivational sticky notes with inspirational puns on my classmates’ lockers before exams. You Gouda do great on that test!

  14. I resolve to write all my essays on eccentric topics not assigned and feign confusion when professors question my work. My paper on the relevance of boy bands in modern fiscal policy is groundbreaking, no?

  15. In 2025 I solemnly swear to act incredibly suspicious outside my friends’ classrooms to confuse and alarm their professors when I wave enthusiastically to them through the door windows.

Failed and Broken Funny New Year 2024 Resolutions:

Here are some failed and broken New Year’s resolutions – funny:

  1. I will organize and finally clean out my closet…then proceeded to just shove everything back in and locked the door. Out of sight, out of mind!

  2. I solemnly swore to go to the gym 4 times a week. I have gone 4 times…this year. Hey, technically I kept my resolution!

  3. I resolved to eat healthier by sticking to salads for lunch. The salads had fried chicken, drenched in ranch and smothered in shredded cheese but they still count as salads!

  4. I vowed to budget better and stop unnecessary spending. However I forgot new makeup counts as a necessity…for confidence! Oh and shoes…for walking! Oops.

  5. I will become an early riser and make time for a peaceful morning routine. I now wake up a whole 15 minutes earlier…just to hit snooze repeatedly and go back to sleep. Baby steps!

  6. I resolved to get more involved and volunteer at least twice a month. But all those opportunities seemed inconvenient…and binge watching Netflix is technically volunteering to rate their content!

  7. I solemnly swore to read more books this year…if by read you mean listening to a few audio book summaries and reading every text message that comes though! Gets me halfway there!

  8. I vowed to be more present and stop checking my phone constantly. But have you seen TikTok recently? Impossible to not check it…all day long. Oopsie!

  9. I resolved to stop hitting snooze over and over. So I just turned off all 8 alarms because pressure sucks. Waking up late with no responsibilities is way more fun anyways!

  10. I will learn to better manage stress through yoga and meditation. But shower karaoke dance parties are like meditation right? I’m pretty zen when belting out Kelly Clarkson.

  11. I vowed to become proficient in Spanish this year with Duolingo lessons. Pero el pollo me estaba volviendo loco. Y mi atención es mal. Lo intentaré de nuevo el próximo año tal vez!

  12. I resolved to stop rewarding myself with shopping splurges each month. But one must make exceptions for bath bombs and books! Those count as self care necessities, duh!

  13. I solemnly swore to cook at home more often this year. Does waiting for the pizza delivery guy to show up because I forgot to preheat the oven earlier count? My heart was willing, but my skill set wasn’t ready!

  14. I vowed to be kinder about my body and stop criticizing my reflection. But have you tried high waisted leggings? Talk about a confidence booster! Now excuse me while I admire myself.

  15. I will become a money saving coupon queen this year. Just as soon as I finish impulse shopping this awesome online sale first! Startdate TBD.

  16. I resolve to Cut out frivolous spending and pay off debts once for and all th–OMG did you see those shoes?! Can you loan me $20?

  17. I solemnly swore to watch less reality TV this year and finally start War & Peace–as soon as I get through all 32 seasons of The Real Housewives in my DVR queue!

  18. I vowed to be more selfless and supportive listening to friends but Bachelor drama requires my undivided attention! Can’t miss a thing or I’ll never win fantasy league!

  19. I will open my home mindfully to guests by preparing impressive cheese boards and decorative touches. In hindsight, hiding dirty laundry in the guest room to deal with later wasn’t that mindful. Whoops!

  20. I resolved to stop snoozing and make morning workouts happen! But have you checked the windchill/pollen count/my spinning injury history lately?! Yeah no.

  21. I solemnly swore to eat home-cooked meals this year made from wholesome ingredients found in my garden. Then remembered the only thing currently growing back there is a robust crop of weeds. Take out it is!

  22. I vowed to be more crafty and run an Etsy shop selling handmade goods. But wandering Target’s dollar aisle for DIY project supplies somehow ended with me just impulse shopping home goods I definitely don’t need. Again.

  23. I will channel tranquility through daily meditation sessions this year. But my dog snoring into the mic as I say Namaste makes it much funnier when shared on social media, so it’s still a win!

  24. I resolved to stop singalongs from turning into competitive concert style performances. Then Sweet Caroline came on the radio and you know I had to belt out those OH OH OHS like my life depended on it!

  25. I solemnly swore to read more substantial literature this year. 27 books about astrophysics later, I now know more about string theory than how to do long division. But reading is reading, am I right?!

  26. I vowed to be blinker diligent using my turn signals. But in my defense the other drivers don’t seem to know what theirs are for either! So maybe we’re even?

  27. I will learn basic car maintenance and finally understand what those dashboard warning lights mean. Then gave up 5 minutes in because engine grease on my manicure is just ew. I’ll just ask dad again.

  28. I resolved to stop impulse shopping packages that arrive on my doorstep so frequently my mailman questions my spending habits. Hide the credit cards guys, it’s Cynthia’s self control issues getting us all into more debt!

  29. I solemnly swore to regiment my sleep schedule and wake refreshed. But have you seen this crazy viral TIkTok drama unfolding right now? I couldn’t possibly log off and stop doomscrolling! Just 5 more minutes…

  30. I vowed to be more selfless and agreeable this year. But your take on the latest Scorsese film is just WRONG. Let me passionately explain scene by scene why I’m right and you’re invalid!

Worst New Year’s Resolutions (Funny as Hell):

  1. I resolve to laugh more by mastering iconic villain laughs and using them in inappropriate serious situations. rubs hands together menacingly “Excellent quarterly earnings meeting, muahahaha!”

  2. I will become fluent in sarcasm and respond to everyone in deadpan, monotone responses. Person: “How was your weekend?” Me: “Oh it was fan-tastic…” eye roll

  3. I vow to play hilarious pranks on friends and family by dramatically faking my own death when they walk in a room. “Where should we eat ton-OH MY GOD ARE YOU DEAD?!” silence then sits up laughing Gotcha!

  4. I solemnly swear to pepper everyday conversations with confusing slang terms used completely out of context. “Just sledding down vocabulary mountain to deliver this fleek powder fresh dialogue, ya dig?”

  5. This is the year I will channel my inner diva and make ridiculous demands from strangers. “Um excuse me, as a paying customer I expect you to only provide me teal-colored M&Ms…Chop chop!”

  6. I resolve to end all phone calls with anyone by doing an impression of the creepy girl from The Ring movie. Whispers ominously “Seven days…” Then immediately hang up and cackle.

  7. I vow to throw on crazy disguises and spy on friends in public to see how long it takes them to notice me. Dons red wig, big sunglasses and trench coat, hides behind menu See me yet?! Maniacal laugh

  8. This is the year I will unleash ruthless pranking by putting embarrassing items in peoples’ shopping cart when they aren’t looking. Tosses adult diapers and prune juice in cart Teehee!

  9. I resolve to yell “Not the Mama!” in my best Baby Sinclair voice from Dinosaurs sitcom anytime someone addresses me. Wife: “Can you take out trash tonight?” Me: “Not the Mama!” eye roll

  10. I solemnly swear to end all sentences addressed to loved ones with “…in accordance with prophecy!” Wife: “Want chips from the store babe?” Me: “Yes!…in accordance with prophecy!” chuckles mysteriously

  11. In 2025 anytime I accidentally trip or drop something, I vow to strike a ta-da pose and loudly announce, “I meant to do that!” Then smile reassuringly as if it were a totally normal thing to declare.

  12. This is the year I will conclude all professional emails with eccentric sign-offs like “Stay stellar!” or “Power to the people! Down with vegetables!” Just to make colleagues question it privately while maintaining polite public composure.

  13. I resolve to develop a bizarre limping walk and cane to use when I don’t get my way. “What do you mean you don’t have birthday cake pops today?!” Limps away grumbling indignantly The outrage…the injustice!

  14. In 2025 anytime someone questions my odd behavior I will simply respond, “I’m cultivating quirkiness…” while staring mysteriously into the distance. Then skitter away hastily before more inquiry can occur.

Sarcastic But Hilarious New Year Resolutions (2025):

  1. I resolve to be on time by arriving fashionably late to everything with a flute of bubbly in hand, casually greet my hosts, and remark about the fabulous entry I just made.

  2. I vow to keep an immaculate living space by creatively displaying my belongings on every horizontal surface available. I’m cultivating controlled chaos.

  3. This is the year I will become a budgeting pro by quitting expensive vices like candles, skincare, and serial takeout ordering. Psych! As if I could ever stop treating myself!

  4. I solemnly swear to be more present by responding to texts within a reasonable time frame after I finish watching all 9 seasons of this show in 2 weeks.

  5. In 2025 I will channel my inner yogi and commit to a daily meditation practice right after I complete my 6am Eye of the Tiger solo dance session to get pumped for the day. Namaste!

  6. I resolve to say no to unnecessary obligations by politely declining invites with creative excuses like: “Oh, I can’t Saturday, I’m getting my wisdom teeth removed…for the fourth time.”

  7. This is the year I will finalize my novel by procrasti-writing for my blog once my 387 draft Tweets are perfected and I’m up to date on all celeb gossip.

  8. I vow to become a master chef by elevating my culinary expertise beyond cutting the cheese sandwiches my mom packed for me into triangles. It’s called presentation, Gordon Ramsay!

  9. In 2025 I solemnly swear to workout hardcore by taking the elevator instead of the stairs whenever carrying heavy shopping bags or hangry. Safety first!

  10. This is the year I will read more substantial literature as soon as I get through the latest beach read bestsellers, all booktok suggestions, and the same 3 memoirs on repeat.

  11. I resolve to say no to nightcaps during weekly friends catch-up wine nights. I’ll stick to hydrating with water! Syke. Mama needs her fermented grape juice.

  12. I vow to nurture inner peace by tuning out stressful situations with noise cancelling headphones cranked to my pump-up playlist. Loudly sings along Can’t touch this!

  13. In 2025 I will maintain better work-life balance by responding to emails lightning fast…right after I watch just one more episode…or two…or three…

  14. This is the year I solemnly swear to keep an immaculately tidy living space by creatively displaying my belongings on every horizontal surface available. I’m cultivating controlled chaos, Marie Kondo!

  15. I resolve to become a green goddess of healthy home cooking filled with farm fresh ingredients I picked myself…as soon as grocery delivery services stop existing and I locate this mythical organic farm.

Fake But Funny New Year Resolutions to Make Everyone Surprise:

  1. I resolve to stay humble this year by graciously accepting compliments with a casual hair flip and a “Oh this old thing?” while reveling in the glory.

  2. I vow to remember the little people when I’m rich and famous by sending them thoughtful shoutouts during interviews as I pretend to look for their names on my hand (“Uh, thanks…Greg”).

  3. This is the year I solemnly swear to let others share their spotlight by nodding supportively as I plan my even bigger solo project to upstage them when they’re done.

  4. I will become more selfless by mastering the art of regifting. Out with the old, in with the new-to-you! Less landfill waste AND free stuff? Win-win!

  5. In 2025 I resolve to age gracefully by covering my greys with unicorn rainbow hair-dye as I tell mall teens I’m a cool mom not a regular mom. What’s TikTok?

  6. I vow to be a more grateful person by counting my blessings in the rearview mirror of the sports car I’m gifting myself for dealing with another lame year on this planet.

  7. This is the year I will master moderation in all vices by restricting myself to only one all-inclusive tropical vacay a quarter to decompress from the daily stresses of fabulousness.

  8. I solemnly swear to focus less on material things, aside from finally adding that 3 story shoe closet and infinity pool to my manifesting vision board. Need space for more Louboutins, obvi!

  9. In 2025 I resolve to stop people pleasing and speak my truth, consequence-free, as soon as I finesse this white lie real quick so Becky finally invites me to girls’ night.

  10. I vow to be more chill in times of chaos by taking a relaxing social media hiatus immediately after I delete the excessively filtered thirst trap pics I just posted. exhales calmly

  11. This is the year I will organize my life impeccably as soon as I’m finished scrolling through all 982 tabs I have open because everything seems very important right now.

  12. I solemnly swear to value quality friendships over clout-chasing squad goals by limiting my social circle exclusively to verified accounts, influencers with blue checkmarks and various celebrities.

  13. In 2025 I resolve to manage my time better by checking Instagram only on the hour during work days. On second thought, once every 30 minutes works better for my schedule!

  14. I vow to stay present in precious moments this year by pulling out my phone to vlog reactions in real time so followers can experience them too! cries aesthetically

  15. This is the year I will perfect my signature handshake toast best reserved for the most ambitious world domination schemes…I mean wholesome dreams shared over bottomless mimosas with my girls! clinks glass

Funny New Year 2025 Resolutions for Kids (Copy/Paste Ready):

  1. I will learn 10 new ways to embarrass mom and dad in public by reciting their tacky dad jokes as loudly as possible in 2025.

  2. This is the year I will perfect my signature move of yelling “Are we there yet?” every 30 seconds on long car rides while mimicking my parents’ frustrated reactions from the back seat. We’re gonna need more snacks back here!

  3. I vow to channel my artistic side and customize my broccoli trees and mashed potato mountains into eccentric faces and designs before eating dinner this year. You’ve never seen such fancy fine dining! Bon appétit!

  4. In 2025 I resolve to sprinkly glitter on everything in my arts and crafts area as the ultimate prank. The dog will be finding glitter months from now – suckers!

  5. This is the year I will perfect my signature cackling laugh, fingertips touching together like a movie villain whenever my siblings blame me for their messes. “You’ll never prove it was me!” maniacal laugh

  6. I solemnly swear to hide my parents’ keys and respond to any search efforts by saying “Can’t help you, I’m just a kid!” while struggling to contain laughter gives me away. Busted!

  7. In 2025 I vow to just start exclusively referring to all vegetables as yucky clucky truckies. Thanks for the yucky clucky truckies mom! Delish.

  8. This is the year I will throw on my best poker face during staring contests with family members and robotically utter “I never blink” in a creepy tone when they give up. * Eyes get huge*

  9. I resolve to sneak up behind loved ones this year and suddenly scream “givin’ you my full attention!” when they jump and clutch their hearts from fright. What now?

  10. In 2025 I solemnly swear to respond “And I took that personally!” whenever even slightly offended this year while giving hilarious stank face. Cue the overhead clap!

  11. This is the year my April Fools pranking skills will become legendary! Whoopie cushions on all seats, fake spiders in the cereal and so much more. Consider yourself warned family…

  12. I vow to channel my inner Broadway star and break into exaggerated interpretive dancing with feelings faces whenever songs I like play this year. leaps and twirls Can’t stop me now!

2024 Funny New Year Resolutions

Funny New Year Resolutions for Dog and Cat (For Pet Owners):

  1. I will perfect my playful zoooomies this year by incorporating some parkour moves – jumping over fences, sliding under tables, using the couch as a springboard!

  2. This is the year I will tap into my rebel side by freely walking mud into the house after every walk even when told not to! Mud puddles, I got you in 2025.

  3. I vow to always appear when food is around by magically teleporting into the room and giving dramatic shocked expressions if none is immediately offered to me. Bam, here I am!

  4. In 2025 I resolve to take unapologetic 3 hour naps in the sunny spot on the rug every single day. I solemnly swear to deploy grumpy cat face when disturbed. Try me.

  5. This is the year I will unleash my inner Simba by finding all highest perches in yard to roar from when owners are near. Hear me loud and clear people!

  6. I solemnly swear to perfect my judgmental side eye look followed by howling when displeased by any human activity in 2025. Death stare long exaggerated howl Enough said.

  7. In 2025 I vow to have selective hearing and completely ignore all commands told in sweet voices. Respond only to loud claps or noises like I’m a wild animal you’re trying to tame. Got it?! Blank stare

  8. This is the year I will tap into my supernatural powers by appearing as if from nowhere with big adoring eyes whenever cheese is opened in kitchen. Magically materializes Did somebody say queso?

  9. I resolve to angrily hiss and yell mean dialogue at nemesis neighborhood cats from windows at all hours of night in 2025. Let’s rumblllllle! Hiss wild meows

  10. In 2025 I solemnly swear to work on my old dog smell by rolling ecstatically in all stinky things on walks and then cuddling owners immediately after. What’s my signature scent now people?

  11. This is the year I vow to respond to all baby talk from owners by staring back blankly and walking away in slow motion as if suddenly offended by their tone. looks shocked Excuse me?! struts off

  12. I resolve to channel my inner parkour master this year by loudly parkouring off all furniture when happy. Successful landing? Meows proudly New skill unlocked!

  13. In 2025 I solemnly swear to perfect my judgmental side eye look followed by howling when displeased by any human activity. Death stare long exaggerated howl Enough said.

  14. This is the year I vow to completely disregard all commands said in sweet voices. I will respond only to loud claps and kissy noises as if taming a wild animal! Try getting my attention now suckers!

Funny New Year Resolutions for Couples about their Relationship to Share Laughters:

  1. I solemnly swear to end every minor disagreement with an intense stare down followed by yelling “Dance off!” and dramatic pointing. Best dancer wins the quarrel!

  2. This is the year I will replace “I love you” with funny Vine references and meme phrases. “Back at it again at Krispy Kreme” now means “I adore you” in our relationship.

  3. I vow to dramatically faint onto the nearest piece of furniture whenever you surprise me with exciting news in 2025. Promotion at work? collapses onto sofa

  4. In 2025 I resolve to spontaneously reenact iconic scenes from cheesy romance movies and force you to play along anytime, anywhere. You complete me…literally!

  5. This is the year I will perfect that creepy villain finger triangle thing and chuckle maniacally whenever you point out I was right about something. steepling fingers maliciously Excellent!

  6. I solemnly swear to immediately pretend to narrate our lives in an old timey newsreel voice a la 1930s whenever things get mundane this year. “Extra extra! Woman washes dishes as man vacuums the floors in love filled domestic bliss!”

  7. In 2025 I vow to replace “bye” on video calls with bizarre cartoon kissy face graphics that weirdly linger and increase awkwardly in size with loud sound effects. giant MWAH glows red taking up entire screen Love ya, snookems!

  8. This is the year I will respond to every cute selfie you send by dramatically calling the police and reporting the sender as “too hot to handle”. Yes officer, this man here…then make siren noises!

  9. I resolve to loudly announce “party foul!” anytime one of us burps or passes gas…then present a yellow card with squinty judgmental eyes á la soccer ref. Second offense gets the red card!

  10. In 2025 I solemnly swear to immediately accuse you of witchcraft anytime my missing items mysteriously reappear in obvious places. There’s sorcery at play here! narrows eyes suspiciously

  11. This is the year I vow to solve all minor disagreements by competing in sudden dance offs to 90s jock jams until one concedes victory to the funkiest dancer. Loser does dishes!

  12. I will keep things spicy in 2025 by using bizarre food inspired nicknames for you anytime, anywhere. Hey hot fudge sundae, can you pass the remote?

  13. In 2025 I resolve to randomly pause during intimacy to scream “This has been flagged as inappropriate for most audiences” then immediately resume while laughing at my excellent censor impression.

  14. This is the year I solemnly swear to respond to all forms of PDA by dramatically fanning myself while feigning pearl-clutching offense like a shocked elderly lady. gasp Well I never!

  15. I vow to perfect my vogueing skills this year and passionately strike model poses to invisible cameras whenever you compliment my outfit. works runway fiercely

  16. In 2025 anytime you have to bend over to grab something I resolve to childishly yell “Full Moon!” and cackle with delight…then immediately pretend I’m doing important work when you turn around. Real mature honey!

  17. This is the year I will channel my inner Italian chef character named Stefano anytime I cook dinner and loudly sing in a operatic voice with an exaggerated accent. “Stefano makes-a da meatball!” kisses fingers like chef

  18. I solemnly swear to respond to every romantic gesture in 2025 by checking my invisible watch and sarcastically declaring “Well well well look who decided to be sweet after all this time!” Cue playful laughter.

  19. In 2025 every time we walk by plants I vow to point and introduce you to each flower/shrub as our child using a ridiculous nickname. “Oh there’s little baby Syphilis!”

  20. This is the year every time we grocery shop together I will ask employees for the weirdest flavors and scents. Do you have blue cheese ice cream or toilet bowl cleaner scented candles perchance? My partner LOVES those!

Related Funny New Year Web Stories for You!

Short Funny New Year Goals to Share on Social Media with your Friends and Fans

  1. Master the art of pressing “snooze” without guilt.

  2. Become fluent in emoji speak – because words are overrated.

  3. Develop a healthy relationship with my couch and Netflix.

  4. Perfect the “I’m listening” nod during virtual meetings.

  5. Achieve expert-level procrastination without feeling a shred of guilt.

  6. Learn to cook at least three microwaveable meals.

  7. Become a connoisseur of instant coffee – the fancier, the better.

  8. Break the record for most consecutive days in pajamas.

  9. Practice the ancient art of “looking busy” at work.

  10. Perfect the art of online shopping without remorse.

  11. Cultivate a deep appreciation for the therapeutic power of napping.

  12. Master the art of parallel parking (or at least get closer).

  13. Develop a sixth sense for finding lost socks in the laundry.

  14. Become a world-class amateur meteorologist by predicting the weather without checking the forecast.

  15. Achieve a black belt in avoiding awkward conversations.

  16. Memorize the Wi-Fi password without having to ask for the umpteenth time.

  17. Break the world record for the most consecutive days without exercising.

  18. Learn to speak fluent sarcasm – because sincerity is overrated.

  19. Achieve the perfect messy bun without watching a single tutorial.

  20. Develop a love-hate relationship with kale (mostly hate).

  21. Master the art of taking food pics that make everyone on Instagram think I’m a culinary genius.

  22. Finally, find out what that one button on the microwave does.

  23. Perfect the skill of looking busy at the gym while doing minimal exercise.

  24. Become a sleep ambassador and promote the benefits of napping to the world.

  25. Successfully avoid all DIY projects that involve assembling furniture.

  26. Train my pet rock to do tricks – or at least sit still.

  27. Develop a foolproof strategy for avoiding awkward elevator encounters.

  28. Master the art of parallel universe communication (telepathy).

  29. Achieve expert status in the art of “selective hearing.”

  30. Learn to pronounce “aluminum” correctly, once and for all.

  31. Set a new record for the fastest time spent deciding what to watch on Netflix.

  32. Perfect the skill of parallel thinking (doing multiple tasks at once and not finishing any of them).

  33. Achieve the perfect high-five without accidentally slapping someone’s face.

  34. Master the art of subtle self-promotion in casual conversations.

  35. Learn to fold a fitted sheet without resorting to YouTube tutorials.

  36. Develop a poker face for virtual meetings to hide the fact that I’m still in pajamas.

  37. Perfect the timing for telling dad jokes – it’s all about the delivery.

  38. Achieve a deep understanding of quantum physics (or at least pretend to).

  39. Become a coffee whisperer and understand the language of coffee beans.

  40. Master the art of taking selfies without accidentally including the thumb.

  41. Break the record for the most consecutive days without checking email after work hours.

  42. Learn to parallel park without an audience (preferably in an empty parking lot).

  43. Achieve the perfect balance between inhaling snacks and exhaling stress.

  44. Perfect the skill of sneaking snacks into the cinema without getting caught.

  45. Learn the ancient art of keeping a straight face during serious conversations.

  46. Achieve a black belt in the martial art of remote control juggling.

  47. Master the art of remembering people’s names without relying on social media.

  48. Perfect the skill of typing with my eyes closed (bonus points for accuracy).

  49. Learn to gracefully exit awkward Zoom calls without anyone noticing.

  50. Achieve a Ph.D. in “Excuse-Making” – because sometimes, life happens.

Creative New year Resolution Ideas and Tips:

1. Resolution: Master the “5-Minute Rule”

In 2025, I pledge to adhere strictly to the 5-minute rule—meaning I will only spend 5 minutes attempting to fix a problem before giving up and calling someone who knows what they’re doing. Because life is too short to spend an entire afternoon assembling furniture with incomprehensible instructions.

2. Resolution: Perfect the Art of Selective Hearing

This year, I will hone my ability to conveniently not hear my alarm clock in the morning, my boss assigning extra work, and my gym buddy suggesting an impromptu workout session. Selective hearing is not a flaw; it’s a survival skill.

3. Resolution: Become a Procrastination Pioneer

In 2025, I aim to become a true pioneer in the world of procrastination. I’ll set new records for leaving things to the last minute and discover the perfect balance between panic and productivity. It’s not laziness; it’s a performance art.

4. Resolution: Achieve Expert-Level Multitasking (Simultaneous Scrolling and Snacking)

I hereby resolve to master the fine art of multitasking by scrolling through social media, binge-watching a favorite show, and indulging in snacks—all at the same time. Because who says you can’t be productive while pampering your taste buds?

5. Resolution: Find My Inner Chef (Microwave Edition)

This year, I will hone my culinary skills by perfecting the art of microwave cuisine. From gourmet popcorn to microwavable mug cakes, my kitchen will be a haven for all things nuked. Who needs a fancy stove when you have a microwave and a dream?

As we step into 2025, let’s laugh in the face of those well-intentioned, overly ambitious resolutions. Life is too short to take everything so seriously, and sometimes the best goals are the ones that make us chuckle. So here’s to a year filled with laughter, achievable aspirations, and the wisdom to know that it’s perfectly okay to be your wonderfully imperfect self. Happy New Year, and may your resolutions be as funny as they are fabulous!